I can't recall if I've discussed this before, but I suffer from Bipolar Disorder. I say suffer because it is just that: suffering - a horrible affliction at its worse and a maddening gift at its best. Lately, it's been at its worst and I have been terribly depressed for the last few months. The very thing that would lead me to feel a bit better (training) is also one of my favorite ways to further mentally berate myself (because I have continually failed to commit to a consistent training program this year). I am SO adept at functioning under depression that people are shocked (SHOCKED!) that I have any problems at all which basically means I kick ass at being completely fake. Not something one is to be proud of.
Why am I telling you this? Well, for a few reasons. I keep having great plans to train and I'm not following through. I guess I need you to understand that it's more than just laziness that is thwarting me. Secondly, I am having some pretty rock-bottom moments right about now that I won't go into but suffice it to say, I am struggling to make it through the day while doing so in a way to not alarm my children so they don't worry. (That sounds pretty grim, but I am taking steps to improve, involving doctor's visits, so no need for you to worry either).Thirdly, I was recently assigned a buddy through whoirunfor.com and he's a 14 year old boy with Down's Syndrome named Garin. I am getting to know him and his family and will share more as there is more to report. This organization assigns special needs kids with runners in hopes they can build a relationship where the runner dedicates their training and races to the child as a source of inspiration to the child. As I reflect on Garin's challenges and how I can inspire him, I also am thinking about my challenges and how his spirit can inspire me. I feel like I am the lucky one in this match and I really look forward to dedicating some efforts to Garin if I can't pull out any efforts to do it for myself.
Thanks for reading and thanks for the comments left either now or in the past. It helps to know someone out there is engaged enough to follow my journey - no matter how many detours I take!
First, I am a perfect stranger... we are linked because we both sport a bit more weight that we would like and have found the love of triathlons... but more important, we are both following our own journey. We both have challenges and hurdles to overcome, but we also are blessed with our kids and our (overall) health and our business. Let training be an escape... close your eyes while you are spinning and focus on the good things... focus on a single spot in front of you while on the treadmill and hash out the challenges of he day. Don't worry about the next race or distance... commit to one event... something doable... and escape into your training. I believe that God gives us what we need, when we need it. I think your new journey with Garin is just what you need. You have a focus for your training that is outside of you. And I think you are right... you are going to get just as much from him as he is going to get from you. Congrats on this great step... you're going to rock it!
ReplyDeleteThanks Tracey - you always are so positive and it really makes my day!
ReplyDelete(((hugs))). Glad you're taking steps to feel better. I've struggled with depression in the past, but anxiety is my real demon. You're not alone. I love that you have teamed up with whoirunfor.com. Sounds like an amazing group!
ReplyDelete