And I thought January was crazy...

Between chemistry and WBC, I am beyond busy and stressed.  I can see an end date, but it's not for another two weeks.  I am mad with myself for not finding the time to work out, but I don't especially need another layer of guilt and pressure smothering the life out of me right now.  Are these excuses?  It feels like it, but I honestly feel like every moment is spoken for until after WBC.

To distract you from judging me, here are some pics of the last World Balloon Convention so you can see how big of a deal it is:

This is 100% made from balloons and was 15 ft wide.

Circus walk through arches.

Can you see the person off to the left?  That should give you some idea of scale.

Yep, balloons.

I can't wait for WBC, but I also can't wait for it to be over so I can make training a priority.  UGH, I just feel like such a slug right now.

So... yeah. I haven't been training.

I started!  I did!  But life has been a little sketchy and truthfully, I haven't sorted it out well enough to make the time to train.  I am fairly horrified with myself.  I have the Wine & Dine Half Marathon in a week and needless to say, it won't be a PR.  But it's a Disney race done for fun & pictures, so my expectations are low.  It's also a 16 minute mile pace, so I know I can walk most of the time if necessary.

This doesn't take away from my shame of not training, though.  Like I said above, I've got some things going on in my personal life that are dragging me down and that makes it hard to find the motivation to get moving.  The ironic part is that I feel better when I work out so I am double-punishing myself.

I am not really excited about Wine & Dine for a few reasons.  First, I do not feel at top running form and that's a crappy feeling when going into a race.  Second, I am completely unmotivated to make a costume and the SparkleSkirt I wanted to order is sold out in my size.  I don't even have something cute to wear and you KNOW that's part of the reason I even run!

There is not too much I can do in the next seven days to get more prepared.  I'm going to go and do the best I can.  I'll probably finish just this side of the Balloon Ladies.  That's cool... as long as I do finish!

After the race, I am spending the week at WDW with my friend Chris without the kids.  It's the first time I've been to WDW without the babies since they were born.  I don't know how I feel about it.  I want to go and have some adult fun, but I think I've forgotten how!

This may be my whiniest post ever.  I'd love to delete it, but I feel like being honest with myself means being honest with you.  The thing is, I think mentally I am waiting to get back from W&D to really get started on my plan.  For some reason, I feel like I need to get this done and then I can concentrate on moving forward.  Lordy, I hope so.  I need to get moving.

So this post isn't a complete loss, here's a sloth handing you a flower:

One week from today!

In 7 short days, I will be competing in my first triathlon!  Competing is a misnomer since all I am trying to do is finish, but I guess in a way I will be competing against one of my biggest foes:  FEAR!  I am flipping terrified. 

Of this:


Fat girls make tasty snack!  YUM! 

Or this:

Should have started swimming earlier than 2 weeks before the tri.  WTG, fish food!

 Or this:

Nice work with all of 5 hours of practice on an actual bike!  But congrats on not falling off the stationary bike at the Y!

Or this: 

Legs too tired to move.  Caught in stampede.  Night night.

BUT MOSTLY THIS:


HOW DID YOU SQUEEZE INTO THAT TRISUIT, FATTIE FATTIE TWO BY FOUR?
(This is what everyone will be thinking.  Well, the ones not thinking about sharks.)

So, as you can see, I'm not mentally in my happy place.  I have a week to try to tame my fears and actually attempt to enjoy this experience.  I give that idea about a 15% chance of working.  I do feel like I've trained semi-well (although I wish I had 4 more weeks), and I do think I can finish just because I am not generally a quitter.  In fact, I believe that if I can make it through the swim (.9 miles), I can take it pretty easy on the bike (24.5 miles) and slog through the run (6.2 miles).  Right?  You agree that I probably can do it, despite being fat, tasty, clumsy, and tired?  Well, good, at least I have you on my side!

All I know is that if I finish, I am going to UGLY FACE CRY when they put that medal around my neck.  This is the first race where I feel like I will have accomplished something HUGE.  My half marathons were fun, but I never thought I couldn't do it.  This race is so different.  And if I can pull this off, I will have really felt like I did something amazing.

I finished!  Gimme my medal before I snot all over you!
(And damn, is this a creepy gif, or what?!?)

And this is why people quit

I've heard the stats on the percentage of people that actually finish C25K and they are low, low, low. I can imagine people quit for a variety of difference reasons, but here's the one nagging at me: I just can't run 3 minutes in a row and it makes me feel like a complete failure at this program. I am repeating Week 3 for the third time because I am not going to continue when I have not completed the goals for the week. I am beyond frustrated and have no idea what to do about it.

So here's what I am doing:

1) Not quitting, because screw that. I will make running my bitch or die trying.

2) I increased the duration of my sessions in DISTANCE and am gauging wins in chipping away at that average run time instead of worrying about interval time spent running.
3) Running 5 days a week, because 3 is not enough to lose weight and I need to get SOME benefit from all this sweating.

I have started going for 2 miles instead of stopping at 30 minutes. I am increasing my walk speed so my average run time is going down:

Monday - 18.09 average minutes per mile
Tuesday - 18.00 average minutes per mile
Wednesday - 17.47 average minutes per mile

The Princess 1/2 requires 16 average minutes per mile, so I am getting closer, even if I am not running for 3 long minutes at a time.

Anyway, I have been sad about being stuck at Week 3 and I realize I need a running buddy or someone else to care. No one in my life cares what I am doing, really. My former therapist called it a severe lack of a support system. I don't really notice so much except when I get stuck somehow - kinda like I am now - and it really, really sucks. Sorry to be so whiny, but I've got no one else to tell and I am just a whiny crybaby today. The good news is that when I finally do run for 3 minutes, I'll tell you about that too and we can celebrate together.
I hope it's soon because I need to see progress or I will be tempted to quit. And I really, really don't want to do that.