Sunday, January 5, 2014

Six Things I Will Do Differently In 2014

I like to give the impression that I'm pretty together. I am not.  I am about two clicks past a hot mess. In looking at my life, I decided there were some pretty simple things I can resolve to do that will help the overall big picture.  These are not life-changers, people. They are just the baby steps I'm taking to pull myself together.

1) Switch to sulfate free shampoo

I work out and have to wash my hair every day. It turns out, washing your hair is really bad for it. Who knew?  I use the swanky luxe brand of Pantene (don't judge me) and I guess I better look at something more gentle. I don't do a lot with my hair (i.e. Products, styling, brushing) so most days, my biggest hair decision is ponytail or unkempt bun. I think we all know that unkempt bun wins about 85% of the time.  I also brush my wet hair instead of combing it. I'll work on that for 2015. Can't be too ambitious. 

2) Use good soap

Like soap you buy at a store created specifically for smelling better. My current soap situation is a sad one. I travel so much that I have a million little soaps and my super frugal thinking is, "Why BUY soap when I have this delightful Lemon Pledge scented soap right here for FREE?" I'm sure the Holiday Inn Express puts lots of thought into the lye content of their soaps. Plus, if my skin dries out, I've got matching scent deluxe lotion for free too!  I'm living the dream. Or so I thought. It turns out real fancy ladies buy oatmeal honey lavendar loofah seashell barley soap. If I ever want to snare a man, I'm going to have to stop smelling like disinfectant. 

3) Join OK Cupid
Oh yes, snare a man. I need someone to train with and occasionally tell me I'm pretty. I did open an OK Cupid account but most of the emails I've gotten so far are for casual sex from guys in their early thirties. As much as being a cougar sounds fun, I really just want a guy who remembers how cool the Eighties were and will run with me. That sounds easy to find, but I've had no luck so far. To be honest, my profile is not that appealing. The pics are ok, but my "intro" reads kinda bitchy. I actually said that "poorly written come-ons will be ignored".  Seems fair to me. Otherwise, it may be a little intimidating in a profile that sounds pretty Type A in the first place. Hey, it's truth in advertising - I am a handful. 

4) Take better care of my face

On the plus side, I only wear makeup about 25 days a year. However when I DO wear makeup, I slather it on in such a way to make Tammie Faye Bakker look like a natural beauty. I'm talking full-on Toddlers and Tiaras airbrushed glory with the flashiest fake eyelashes I can find - most often featuring glitter or rhinestones. Am I exaggerating?  Not even a little bit. My theory is that if I have to look like a painted up doll, I'm going ALL THE WAY.  The good news is that I do wash it off promptly upon completing my dog and pony shows we call balloon decor classes.  The bad news is that I wash it off with the aforementioned hotel soap. And then I moisturize with whatever hair conditioner is left on my hands after I do my hair.  I can literally feel the Mary Kay ladies recoiling in horror.  To be fair, this has worked for years and I have no wrinkles and do not get breakouts. I even routinely get compliments on my skin.  Of course, I'm too ashamed to say that I treat it this poorly.  I guess it's time to start doing something more grown up with my old lady face skin.  Does Oil Of Olay have a hotline?

5) Eat more potatoes

You've been told that Acai Berries are the world's greatest superfood. But, nope - it's taters.  I actually avoided potatoes for years due to Weight Watchers brainwashing (VEGETABLES THAT COST POINTS - WHAAAAA????), but recently I started reading more about sports nutrition and potatoes are a great pre-race food - especially when salted. It's a natural source for the carbs your body needs!  So, going along with this new love affair with taters (Can you meet potatoes on OK Cupid?), I am looking into eating more naturally. Not Paleo or Clean or anything with followers.  Just trying to eat less microwave popcorn (because Holy Shit, that stuff is made of every death-causing material on this earth) and more boiled eggs.  Less Lean Cuisine lunches (although I will miss the points I get for free insulated lunch pails. I have 7 of them if that gives you any indication of my Lean Cuisine habits), and more good old fashioned chicken. We'll ignore the GMOs until 2015 and work that in when I start combing my wet hair. See? Planning ahead.  So dedicated. 

6) Go back to school
So, I love balloons and I really do enjoy helping people make more money at their businesses by teaching them how do successfully decorate and run a business.  I don't mind traveling, even. The truth is that self-employment is not a great retirement plan and honestly, I feel a higher calling and this, my friends, is a huge secret from anyone in the balloon industry.  I want to quit and be a nurse.  This sounds pretty cut and dried, but it is so, so uncut and downright moist.  Nursing School is hella competitive to get into and I have to get like a bajillion pre-reqs before I can even APPLY to Nursing School.  So... I need to get on those pre-reqs. I plan to tackle Chemistry this semester and take a class or two over the summer and just keep rolling from there.  I can sign up for a Half Ironman and feel like I can finish it without too much fear, but THIS... This scares me.  My biggest resolution is to get going on school this year. So, in December if I'm still using hotel soaps and have only snared potatoes, as long as I have a couple of classes under my belt, I will feel that 2014 was a success. And oh yeah, my racing.  Yay running and all that.

Y'all feel free to keep me honest. I promise if you leave comments asking if I smell like a traveling salesman, I won't take it personally.  


  1. Those are great goals! For bath and body products, take a look at LUSH Cosmetics. They're great for you, smell awesome, and it's a good company!

  2. Ha ha great post... love the two clicks past one hot mess.

  3. Great post and goals for 2014, good luck!!

  4. I'm pretty low key on the beauty products too, mostly dial soap and some basic moisturizer. But my biggest goal is to stop eating and drinking toxic crap. Good luck on getting those classes done, it's hard but well worth it!